Time moves forward. Time is relative. The heart is something that moves at it’s own pace. I’m often finding myself feeling more like me but I fear a giant leap looming in the future. It’s not the leap I fear, it’s a fear that the heart isn’t ready for it.
I know I haven’t written for a long time. I guess I haven’t felt like I’ve had a lot to say. Or maybe it’s that I am not willing to say what I need to say.
But once again I find myself alone with not just my thoughts. Walking through the east village, wandering alone I hear reggae. I stop and walk into the bar and already a couple rums into the night.
What is this night for?
I suspect more to come.
Tonight is a benefit concert for one of my best friend’s husband who passed away April 3, 2014.
I wrote a lot in this web diary about his illness. I even wrote about how, if it was possible to switch places with him, I would have. I certainly don’t want to die but people make sacrifices with their lives each and every day. Soldiers, secret service, police, fire people (gender neutral) friends and just good people. Why wouldn’t I if I could for just one person. This one person had his soul mate. This one person had a group of friends that loved him so much. He had a 15 month old daughter. I have none of those things. I have people that love me, yes, but the person I’m talking about has so much more.
I’m at a benefit concert now for him. He’s been gone not even 3 months and here we have a collection of his friends, playing music and celebrating his life. This would never happen for me. Not that I’d want it. Actually when I die, I want people to bury me and move on with their lives. I am just a blip on the the timeline of life. AJ was also a blip, albeit a larger blip with more responsibility and likely a better contributor to the world as we know it, compared to me.
Moral of the story: be a good person and wear lots of sunscreen. And of course, he will always be loved.
I feel like I’m seeing light at the end of the tunnel… Some of the tunnels in the MTA are still being repaired from Hurricane Sandy… My tunnel is still being repaired and likely will be done before the MTA’s tunnels.
Or maybe not… I feel like more than ever I’m being presented situations or circumstances that remind me that the changes I seek are more challenging than I had hoped. Am I happy? With certain aspects I am, but not there yet completely. I hope that is light I see at the end of the tunnel…and I know I need to keep moving to get there. But what will the end of the tunnel bring?
Soon I will return and in my wake there will be a new me. A better me. Sometimes layers of us need to be peeled away because they get so damaged, but once we peel them away, we are fresh, clean, clear and ready for what’s next.